It's been quite some time since I have posted on this website. In fact, probably since I started my PhD. Actually, have I even posted since I came back from my big trip overseas? My own travel blog remains unfinished, actually, so does one of my photo albums, and I blame the PhD. Actually, I blame a lot of things that go wrong in my life on the PhD. For example, Essendon not making the finals the past couple of seasons, reason is b's PhD. The state of my love life for the past 2.5 years, gotta be because of the PhD. b being grumpy, tired, having no time, stressed out - yep, blame the PhD. Look, let's just blame everything wrong on b's PhD ok?

So in Feb 2004 I started this thing called a PhD. Eeeek. Looking back now, and in the frame of mind I am currently in, few days shy of 5 months of a three year deadline, worst mistake of my life. New univeristy, new lab, new field, new people, big changes. Whoa. I listened to all the advice about being organised, start writing from day one, warnings about second year blues, but no one told me that the second year blues extend to the third year, no one told me about just how big a man's world science is and how hard it is to stay in science as a woman, and no one told me how many tears would be shed throughout the years and just how hard things would actually be in all aspects of b's personal and work related PhD life.

I am at a very frustrated point of my PhD. I am 5 months shy of the three year mark. I actually wanted to be out of the lab by Christmas 06, if i make it out by end of Feb 07 I will be lucky. I need 2 more results chapters. How on earth did it come to getting two more results chapters in 5 months? It has taken 2.5 years to get the first two! And for the past 5 months I have been doing an experiment, it wasn't showing what we wanted, I swore black and blue to my sueprvisors it wasn't anything techically wrong I was doing, and to my sweet victory, it was shown that it was a dodgey batch of cytokine from the scientific company, and just this week I was able to show what I should have been able to show 5 months ago (mind you i even wanted these results for a conference I went to in July). But that is only one half of a chapter, which at the end of the week, can now be done and those experiments hopefully in a month will be finsihed (if all goes according to plan which is never the case!). And another half of a chapter the experiment just won't work no matter what i try. I have tried at least 10 times now. And I don't even know when some mice with arthritis will be ready for another half of a chapter. And the remainding half of a chapter who even knows.

I think I am going to literally die crying if I am not out by my Aug 22 2007 (3.5 year with one extension) deadline. The thought of being stuck for 4-4.5 years (another two years) really, really scares and freaks me out.

I need to earn real money, I don't want to be living at home forever, I want a real job (preferably not in science) and I want out of this crazy lab (many reasons I cannot dwell in and if people only knew perhaps one would slightly understand) that I am in as it is killing me.

Science has got to be the most demoralising job ever, 95% of stuff does not work, how on earth can one stay motivated?

Why was I so naive? A PhD was never supposed to be this hard, we were not supposed to spend out mid 20s stressed out and in tears, and the things, people, circumstances that I (along with two fellow PhD girlfriends) have had to deal with we never dreamed of happening. Believe, it is not soley lab work that has made phD life hard, a load of this other stuff has as well.

All I know is that even though I cannot see the end, and that I cannot see the silver lining to the PhD, no matter how many times I have thought about quitting, I am not a quitter and I will continue to fight this PhD until my 100 000+ words of waffle thesis is written, submitted and accepted....then I am getting the hell out of science.

Advice to people thinking of doing a PhD (in the science/medical research field):
1) Pick your lab and project wisely. Ask questions to the current members of the lab. Seek the truth. Find out personalities. Check out the publication record of your supervisors. And grant history of your supervisors. What techniques will you be doing? Do you have to establish them or is there expertise in the lab or other labs in institute/department. Are there too many women in the lab? How many students vs postdocs? Balance very important. Is the project new or a continuation of someone else's? Is there office and desk space? Check out the facilities. What is the rep of your supervisor in the field?

2) Ask yourself: "why do I want to do a PhD?". If you answer "I want to be an academic, head of lab" then by all means, you have no choice. Do a PhD. Be prepared for the hard yards and lack of funding and tough competition, and be prepared to do a stint overseas. However, if you are quite happy working for someone else and want to rely on others to get your wage, stay as a research assistant. That is what I reckon.